Wish You Were Here

Everything feels so much better when you drown yourself in water. You know the feeling. When you take a shower and you have water pouring all over your body, and you have complete control over it. If you want hot water, you can have it, if you want cold water…that’s yours too. Everything in life revolves around water. Without it, life would no longer be. I love water. I love everything to do with water, swimming in it, drinking it, watching it, being in it. Everything feels so much better. I wish I were a fish so I could feel better all the time. I wish I could just swim away from my problems, my worries, myself. But, unfortunatly, there’s not enough water in the world to get me away from my thoughts. They evade me, they take over me, they completely absorb everything I do. Some would say that they are supposed to do that…I disagree. Thoughts need to interact with the mind, not take it over. They need to flow with the self, but my don’t. There’s a constant battle in my head, often reducing me to tears. Tears of hatred for myself. I want everything to just go away. Too often I’ve thought about ending it all, but I can’t. There are people here that, for some reason, need me. I’m holding onto that like a life boat. I’m trying to stay afloat in this deep deep water. See, water holds everything to life, but too much of it will kill you. 

He just left, how many times it went through my head that we need to discuss this…this…problem, I have. I said I was tired, which I am, and he told me to sleep and dream happy dreams. Oh how I wish I were able to. Able to just…let go…just relax and enjoy my relationship, but I can’t. I constantly compare in my head what he gave others, to what he’s given me. Not physical items all the time, those don’t matter, but emotional things. Every experience, every moment I yearn to ask if I’m the only one he’s done that with. I want to be the only one for every thing. There’s a safe few things I feel safe and secure with doing…too little of an amount. Things that I know for sure he didn’t do with…her…the unmentionable person who pulls at my every synapse, for every little thought has something to do with this person. I have obsessions about it, unnatural obsessions. It’s gotten to the point where I feel nausea just to think about it. I have a good friend from college, a close friend who I can rely on and get close to, but I cannot bear to all because this poor girl shares the same name as the…unmentionable…I cannot deal with the stress from this. I want to be able to just let go of it all. The awful part is, the unmentionable has no idea that I cannot even bear to say her name in my mind. It’s always just a face, and now because of my most recent stupidity, his face is in the same picture in my mind, and I am on the brink of tears every moment. I wonder if he notices, if he knows…but he gets my fail safe answer whenever I let the battle in my mind show through. I’m tired. Those two words can perfectly describe how I feel, and I don’t have to show my insanity. Tiredness is something everyone feels, so everyone can relate to it as well. But, my tiredness is a little different. I’m tired of these feelings, I’m tired of living in this hell from day to day. I actually had about 5 minutes today when I was with him, and I was happy, but I realized my happiness and the fact that my obsession did not enter my mind, and once again, like a trap it was alive and tangling itself back through the depths of my mind so that for me to unwind and dig out the obsession, it would take so many more things then just my own will power. I want to tell him, God I want to tell him the full extent, but I fear beyond everything else that he won’t understand, and a fight will emerge from it. I want him to understand, to be able to talk to him about this. I need it to end, I want it to end, but I cannot even tell him about these night time writings for fear of rebuke. I need him, but this obsession is slowly driving a large hole in the center of everything. The relationship is severely strained on my end, and I won’t let him know this. I can’t let him know this. I’m trying so hard to be myself, but I know he sees something tearing through my soul, I know he can see the hurt within the depths of my eyes. He won’t tell me so, but he knows it. 

So once again, here we are, not sleeping again…I made it till 4:00 am last night to make myself exhausted, and when I thought all was well, the monster came out and ripped through my head causing me to cry myself to sleep…again. What is this ongoing cycle and why won’t it leave me alone? All the nights I talked to him when he was having agonizing pain, all the hours I thought would be paid back, are not. I thought him…more than anyone else on this entire world would understand and listen. I think that may be one of the main problems with this. I need my best friend to talk to…but I can’t find the courage to speak. I’m scared that he’ll abandon me…like I abandoned him. He doesn’t know it, but I never forgave myself for that. How I wanted to speak to him and check on him, but the pain was too much, and my horrible ex would watch for me trying to communicate with him, for fear that I would leave him (you can’t get in the way of fate dumb ass, didn’t work out for you in the end.)…but anyway, I wish I had the courage to tell him to read these posts, but I won’t do it. So, once again, here we go, another night of hell ready to begin…God help me

Where to even begin…I don’t know

Did it ever get better? Who the hell knows

I like to pretend that for a few short months I was returning to my old self, but I wasn’t, I was hiding under the thin blanket of comfort I had found. Once again, everything has gone to hell. 

Why can’t I be me? One small piece of information that I had found out…months ago…is still causing me daily torture. I think about it just about every moment, I cannot have a single moment with him in my mind without the terrible monster ripping through my every happy occasion. 

In 13 days it will be one year…one whole year, and yet I cannot find any comfort in that. I accuse and yell and scream and cry about something he did to me, that was never intentional at all.

Through all of this I am still the one calling my own blunders out on other people. That poor girl gets ripped through almost daily for something I cannot control in my own head. How dare I make fun of her for the very thing I blame that…unmentionable…person for. I took more from her than the unmentionable did from me…how dare I do that.

The photos haunt my days and cause my eyes to weep freely most times I’m alone. The words left by him so long ago haunt my dreams. It has become my obsession. I cannot go through a measurable amount of time without looking for something, anything to cause my own unhappiness…why do I torture myself? I cannot bear to even resemble a small part of the unmentionable for fear that when he looks at me, hes seeing her. I am terrified that he longs for her, even though the rational part of my brain reasons that this is not true. Life feels surreal, without constant reminding that I am his only and my beauty he claims I have is my own. Without these reminders I sink into this deep depression that I cannot climb out of. How childish I am. How stupid can I be? Is there something wrong with me, or am I merely searching for something to explain my stalker/obsessive tendencies? 

Here it is 3:17 am and I fear sleep. How much my body yearns for it, I cannot give in until I collapse…most days are like this. I am so afraid of my mind having idle time, so afraid to let my thoughts wander freely, for they always settle on the same thing that plagues my every waking moment. 

God I hate how I act, the things I’ve said to him, how I regret it. It’s not his fault, but yet I blame him constantly. I need to talk to him about my thoughts, but I’m afraid to. I don’t want to blame him, but he needs to understand I’m not like most girls. I’m strong towards everything, but myself. my mind is my single most greatest enemy, but without it, I would not be who I am. I need to be told that I’m loved. Most people hear this from many sources…I don’t have that type of family, I’m not told that. Sometimes I just need to be held and told how much I’m loved, or I’ll listen, but later believe it to not be true. I need to be told that I’m beautiful…such a vain thing to say, but I’ve never heard that except from two people, my entire life. I don’t find myself attractive by any standards, there’s always a flaw, always…something. I don’t see how anyone could find me beautiful, but he claims I am…when I ask. I need to be told outright. I’m falling to pieces again…we’re all not who we used to be, but sometimes we have to go back to be able to go forward once again. 

A lot of my life I’ve spent not really caring about too much of anything. I’ve always looked towards the future, towards whats to come, that was always where the importance lied. The future is where I can call my life my own and be free. Although I want to be free, I have spent most of my life looking for a husband. That was always the main objective, maybe I view things wrongly, or maybe my body is just working very biologically in my need to have a husband to produce offspring, either way, the end goal is marriage. At one point in my life, I didn’t care who it was. Now I do. I know exactly 100% who I want to marry, but, what if something goes badly? Will anyone ever be as good? Will I ever be happy with someone else? My ideals are so exact that I don’t even know if anyone else would be able to fit them, I don’t even know if he fits them… thats a problem. Do I have a choice in who is right for me in the end? God is the one the chooses who we spend the rest of our lives with, do my ideals even matter? Does He put them into consideration? I don’t know what exactly I want anymore, I just know that I want him…more then anything. They say that when you are around the one you love the world stops, I don’t think thats true. When I’m with him, the time goes 10x faster than normal, so wouldn’t the world be the doing the opposite of stopping? It would be spinning out of control, maybe that’s why his scent makes me dizzy, and his kiss makes me fall even harder for him. I have all these intense feelings for him, and I want to express them in anyway that I can, but, I don’t think I express them exactly the way that I always want to. I don’t know how to. I have all these things that I want to say and do and think when I’m with him, but, I don’t think I am ever able to do that because he makes my mind go blank, he fills my heart so full of love that all i can do is love him, and love him. theres nothing else. But, does anything else matter? I have him, I pray no one can take him away from me. I want to feel this way forever, so, maybe my ideals for marriage aren’t ideals at all, maybe they’re just my Disney childhood influencing my childish ideas of what true love is. Did Snow White or Cinderella understand true love after having a small infactuation with a handsome stranger? I don’t really think so. I get so worked up over the little things and why I believe he dosn’t love me, when, where I got the ideas, they know nothing of love. Yes, flowers are pretty, and flowers are nice, but, I have what he gave no other, his heart.  

I am so insecure, I fear all the time no matter what that you’re cheating on me. I know I should trust you, but I just don’t know how. I get so afraid that there is going to be someone else who comes along and takes you out right from under me, just as you took me out right from under him. I’m sorry I’m paranoid and afraid and not very trusting, but I don’t know how to trust you, I want to very badly, but whenever I text you and you don’t answer me, or you ignore what I have said to you, it scares me. I get so afraid that you are with someone else forgetting about me. I don’t know why you would put up with this relationship that I feel I have you trapped in if that were the case…but…I just need something that shows you love me. Anything. Saying words that I feel you say out of habit doesn’t prove love, is it so hard to give some type of proof of love towards me. When you say that you have no inspiration to write to me, does that sound heartless to you? …maybe its just me…the problem that I have, is that you don’t even attempt…if your love for me was so strong, wouldn’t that be inspiration enough to through a couple paragraphs. I’m not telling you to write something on command, but simply something that tells of your love for me. I know you don’t think it means anything when you don’t, but in actuality it breaks my heart everytime I say something about it. If your love for me is so flawless, and it lasts through anything, then why can’t it last through one simple letter…just one. Valentines Day really broke my heart, not that you didn’t send anything, yea I was disappointed, but what took my heart and crushed it was the fact that you actually got me a card and couldn’t think of a single reason why you love me to write in it. Wouldn’t I love you be good enough? Why is it so difficult to find words to say to the one you love. That shouldn’t be the hard part. The hard part should be limiting it to one small page…you wonder why I question your love for me, shouldn’t this be enough to ease the wondering? I just don’t understand how you can write essays for school that are about video games and are simply beautifully written and amazing…but the one that you love more than video games as you have claimed, you can’t even write on the inside of a card and send it to me. I’m still waiting for that card…but I doubt I’ll ever see it.